Fudge-based diets

DG, Teh N00b and I all went recently to a wedding in Mackinaw City, Michigan. This small tourist town has an entirely fudge and pastie based economy. (Not pastries, mind you. PASTIES. If you'd been to the UK you know what I am talking about).

But seriously, fudge everywhere. Fudge stores line the streets. Even places that don't make fudge, sell it. "Pizza! and fudge." "Fashion accessories! and fudge." "Fudge! and fudge."

Amazing. It's been a long time since I've eaten that much sugar.

Teh N00b is clearly my kid, because he would suddenly declare, whenever we were outside a fudge shop (amazing how 3-year-olds figure out which ones they are -- must be those marble slabs) that he was hungry. And he would do his little whine, "I want something to eat..."

When we got back to Chicago, I thought my attempt to exercise and lose weight would be completely shot. But I got on the scale and... I had lost another 4 pounds.

WTF?! I am going on an all fudge diet.

Oh, you want Zombie Food do you?

The contents of the vending machine in the ER waiting room:

Pretzels and pretzeloids

Snyders Old Tyme pretzels
Rold Gold Tiny Twists

Chips

Cheetos, Chedder Jalapeno (2 slots)
Baked Lays Ruffles
Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili
Ruffles Thick Cut
Lays Classic
Doritos Nacho Cheese
Lays Kettle Cooked Mesquite BBQ
Cheetos Crunchy
Fritos Chill Cheese
Cheetos Flamin' Hot

Cookies/Cakes/Candies

Zingers
Suzy O's
Snickers
Twix
Reeces Peanut Butter Cups
3 Musketeers (2 slots)
M&Ms (peanut and regular)
Fig Newtons
Chips Ahoy
Danish Shortbread Cookies
Knotts Raspberry cookies
Hostess Pound Cake

These fall into a few discrete categories:

1) Your child shouldn't be eating this if they're here for abdominal pain.

This might include the Flamin' Hots (sadly, so commonly consumed by children ostensibly in the ER for 'nausea and vomiting' that the nurses have an unofficial lobby to get 'eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos' printed on our forms with a yes/no check box).

2) I can't believe they couldn't get Twinkies!

The brilliant marketing folks who came up with 'Hostess Pound Cake' I suppose, that since there's no actual pound cake in the product, it still doesn't violate the Marketer's Oath.

3) Mmmmm....no, no, there should be apples and celery...well, maybe just one...

I think Snickers and Twix fit here best.

4) Why is your kid eating this at all? Why are you eating it? Why does it even exist???

Of course, I suppose these products are the ones that are most in demand, most profitable, and most long-lasting. I guess people would be complaining too if we sold expired egg-salad sandwiches out of an unrefrigerated vending machine. But as a whole, it seems like this is another example of the health care profession shooting itself in the foot. Head shots people! Head shots!

Zombie Food: Overview

Those of you who have been to my home know about my "zombiefood" collection (also know as the "weirdfood" collection) stashed in a kitchen cupboard. These are foods that are so unnatural, so processed, so completely divorced from what they were while living, so... zombie-afied that they could survive any apocalypse.

Many of them seem so nasty that there would have to be an apocalypse before I would be desperate enough to eat them -- although since I use them as display pieces rather than as sources of calories, I can't really be sure. Note: I am not a picky eater.

I'll be photographing and displaying these gems from time to time. And yes, I welcome additions to the collection (most of them were gifts).

One day, it will even have a display case.

"Want the best? Get your vitamins from an amber glass bottle, NOT a can of diet soda."

Um, I generally try to get my vitamins from vegetables. But thanks anyway.